How to tell if your parent is narcissistic...
Narcissism is very much on a scale… with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) being at the extreme end, and selfish, self-obsessed and difficult is at the lower.
It can be that somebody has narcissistic traits and behaviours without having narcissistic personality disorder. Either way, growing up with a narcissistic, emotionally immature, selfish, neglectful, punitive, controlling or overbearing parent can have a lasting impact on their children and other relatives. Having a narcissistic parent often means that others in the family adopt other dysfunctional roles around this, which also have knock on effects to the child and adult children.
Below is a list of 25 common behaviour traits of a narcissistic parent to see how many you recognise or relate to.
They lack empathy and compassion. Narcissistic parents are not natural caregivers - they tend to harsh, abrupt, distant or dismissive instead.
They make it all about them. When you talk about yourself and your life your mother or father constantly turns the conversation around to be about them. Narcissistic parents are highly self-consumed.
They rarely congratulate you or celebrate your successes. Instead, they take credit for any of your achievements or wins - commenting about how it would never be possible without them and expecting the recognition and accolade for your efforts.
Rather than being genuinely happy or pleased, your mother or father is jealous or envious of you. They may even try to sabotage you or what you have. They may be envious about your youth, looks, your relationships, finances, work, health or other aspects of your life.
Whenever you show or express emotions or feelings, they are negated or dismissed. You may be told that you are being overly-sensitive, irrational, paranoid, unfair, over-the-top or silly.
Your parent is a martyr. A narcissistic parent is quick to remind their children how much they sacrificed and did/do for them.
Your parent/s is/are only mostly in touch with you when they want something from you. Be it practical, emotional or financial.
Your mother or father enjoys drama or conflict within or outside of the family? (see Drama Triangle)
You feel like your parent/s don’t really know you for you. They have a projected view of who they think or want to believe you are, without ever taking any time or effort to really get to know you.
They are consumed with themselves and their own issues or concerns. At the same time being very inconsiderate to what is going on for you or how you are feeling.
Your parent refuses to accept responsibility for bad things they’ve done. They never apologise or refuse to apologise sincerely. They will insist on their version of events, deny and gaslight to avoid taking personal accountability.
Your mother or father is critical and judgemental of you and your choices or life. You get a sense that what ever you do or have is and never will be good enough for them.
They act differently depending on who else is around. Narcissistic parents portray themselves in a better light in front of friends, the neighbours, partners or others.
Your mother or father tends to constantly blame others, pointing their finger at everyone and everything else, instead of taking accountability for themselves. ('It's never them, it's everybody else's fault').
They are rude, arrogant or haughty to people when you go out. For example rude to staff in restaurants or shops.
They expect special or unique treatment from people or places. For example, they expect to have the best table in the restaurant or to not have to wait to be served.
Your parent or parents share personal or inappropriate information with you about themselves, or your other parent or family members. For example, sharing about their sex life, sharing secrets, or criticising their partner or others in the family.
They try to align with you or control or manipulate you by lavishing you with gifts or compliments. They try to control or manipulate through financial control or the threat of losing any financial support or inheritance.
Narcissists are perpetual victims. Often claiming they have been poorly treated, misunderstood or hard-done by in some way.
They try to pit you and any siblings against one another. Narcissistic parents will to create jealousy, rivalry or mistrust within the family.
Your parent disregards your boundaries. For example, turning up whenever they want to, insisting on talking about things you’ve already said you don’t want to discuss, taking or borrowing your things without asking, etc. Toxic parents do not grasp or respect boundaries.
You feel like your parent competes with you or feels the need to do more or have more than you.
You have a parent who is very stubborn to the point of being totally rigid and inflexible. They insist on getting their own way, regardless of the impact of that on anybody else.
You feel responsible or guilty for how your parent feels.
You feel unsettled, triggered, guilty, fearful, depressed or anxious before or after seeing or having contact with them.
This isn't a complete and exhaustive list, but hopefully it's enough to give you an idea of the themes of parental narcissism. Dealing with toxic family members can have a significant detrimental impact on your mental health and wellbeing.
If you are interested in learning more about parental narcissism and how to deal with difficult or toxic parents have a look at Raised By Narcissists - A comprehensive self-help guide explaining all about narcissistic parenting, what it is and the impact it has on those growing up around it. As well as outlining a range of practical ways to deal with toxic families and tools to help you take good care of yourself and recover from the effects of parental narcissism.
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