How to tell if your parent is narcissistic...
Parental Narcissism is very much on a scale… with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) being at the extreme end, and selfish, self-obsessed and difficult is at the lower.
It can be that somebody has narcissistic traits and behaviours without having narcissistic personality disorder.
Either way, growing up with a narcissistic, selfish, neglectful, punitive, controlling or overbearing parent can have a lasting impact on their children and other relatives.
Below is a list of 25 of the most common behaviours and traits of narcissistic parents. The more you relate to and tick, the more likely it is that your parent has narcissistic traits or defences:
They lack empathy and compassion. Narcissistic parents may be harsh, abrupt, distant or dismissive instead.
When you talk about yourself and your life your mother or father constantly turns the conversation around to be about them. They make it all about them?
They take credit for any of your successes, achievements or wins - making some comment about how it would never be possible without them and expecting the recognition and accolade for this.
Rather than being genuinely happy or pleased, your mother or father is jealous or envious of you. They may even try to sabotage you or what you have.
Whenever you show or express emotions or feelings, they are negated or dismissed. You may be told that you are being overly-sensitive, irrational, paranoid, unfair, over-the-top or silly.
Your parent is a martyr. A narcissistic parent is quick to remind their children how much they sacrificed and did/do for them.
You parent/s is/are only mostly in touch with you when they want something from you. Be it practical, emotional or financial.
Your mother or father enjoys drama or conflict within or outside of the family? (see Drama Triangle)
Do you feel like your parent/s don’t really know you for you? They have a projected view of who they think or want to believe you are, without ever taking any time or effort to really get to know you.
They are usually consumed with their own issues or concerns. At the same time being very inconsiderate to what is going on for you or how you are feeling.
Your parent refuses to accept responsibility for bad things they’ve done. They never apologise or refuse to apologise sincerely.
Your mother or father is critical and judgemental of you and your choices or life. You get a sense that what ever you do or have is and never will be enough.
You notice your parent acts differently depending on who else is around. In other words, they portray themselves in a better light in front of friends, the neighbours, partners or others.
Your mother or father tends to constantly blame others, pointing their finger at everyone and everything else, instead of taking accountability for themselves. ('It's never them, it's everybody else's fault').
Are they rude or haughty to people when you go out? For example rude to staff in restaurants or shops.
They expect special or unique treatment from people or places? For example, the expect to have the best table in the restaurant or to not have to wait to be served etc.
Your parent or parents share personal or inappropriate information with you about your other parent or family members. For example, sharing about their sex life, slagging off their partner or others in the family.
They try to align with you or control or manipulate by lavishing you with gifts or compliments. They try to control or manipulate through financial control or the threat of losing any financial inheritance.
They are perpetual victims. Often claiming they have been poorly treated, misunderstood or hard-done by in some way.
They try to pit you and any siblings against one another. Narcissistic parents will to create jealousy, rivalry or mistrust within the family.
Your parent disregards your boundaries. For example, turning up whenever they want to, insisting on talking about things you’ve already said you don’t want to discuss, taking or borrowing your things without asking, etc. Toxic parents do not grasp or respect boundaries.
You feel like your parent competes with you or feels the need to do more or have more than you.
You have a parent who is very stubborn to the point of being totally rigid and inflexible. They insist on getting their own way, regardless of the impact of that on anybody else.
You feel responsible or guilty for how your parent feels.
You come away from any contact with them feeling unsettled, triggered, guilty, fearful, depressed or anxious.
This isn't an exhaustive list, but hopefully enough to give you an idea of what parental narcissism is like. Dealing with toxic family members can have a significant detrimental impact on your mental health and wellbeing.
If you are interested in learning more about parental narcissism and how to deal with difficult or toxic parents have a look at Raised By Narcissists - A comprehensive self-help guide explaining all about narcissistic parenting, what it is and the impact it has on those growing up around it. Raised by Narcissists outlines a range of practical ways to deal with toxic families and tools to help you take good care of yourself and recover from the effects of parental narcissism.
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